I’m gonna be honest. This might be a short post because I’m trying to practice pause. Also this post is a lot about me. I hope what you get out of it is the knowledge that nobody’s perfect and yes, I love Jesus but I get caught up in life sometimes.
These past couple weeks have been a little exhausting. And if you’re listening to the audio version of this- yes- you might hear the sound of the laundry in the dryer. It’s going for spin number #8. We were mostly caught up on laundry over the weekend. We now have four overflowing baskets on top of the machines and a load in the washer that probably needs to be rewashed. Tis the season.
My favorite comedienne is Jeanne Robertson. She is hilarious. I love listening to her talks on YouTube. Jeanne has great practical advice and always tells her audience to look for the humor in our everyday lives.
Well, friends? The struggle is real. And sometimes life is ridiculous. You can laugh or cry.
Some days I do both.
First of all, as I type this, my adorable 3-year-old child keeps coming upstairs. Her pigtails and chubby cheeks are totes adorbs but she’s driving me crazy. Yes, I love you child. But mommy needs to work. Go downstairs. But not before I tell you I love you multiple times so as to ease my guilt over sending you away.
The house is a mess. I don’t want to talk about it. It’s always a mess. And the giant trash bags I purchased at Costco two weeks ago in an effort to motivate me into going into a Marie Kondo-induced frenzy over tidying and decluttering, have just become painful reminders of how far I fall from my ideals. I’m also slightly concerned the overly-creative five year-old will start using them for his costume material.
I volunteered at the school today per usual because my kids have asked me to but you know what? The school people were talking about lice today. You want to know how to get this crazy mother on a one-way-ticket to “I don’t wannasville?” Yep. Talk about head lice. I know I’m supposed to be more compassionate and motherly. I just wanted to run for the hills.
I think I need to scale back my expectations a bit. I wanted to be a published book author before I turned 40. That’s only a few gulp couple years away. And honestly, I need to give myself a break and stop comparing my journey with others. I also have dreams of starting a podcast. I’ve been cohosting a mini one with my friend for the Delight & Be ministry and loving it. I think my dream concept could be super beneficial and encouraging to listeners... But then… when will I actually find the time to do a podcast? Or learn how to do one? Or actually use Facebook, Instagram or any social media in a systematic non-angst or non-addictive type way? One step at a time.
And then my kids. I miss them. Yes, I see them most every day, and they require so much energy, but I love them like crazy and I feel like they’re growing up too fast. I know, because at night, when I go into their rooms to check on them, and I see their little features at rest, I am constantly amazed by how quickly time is passing.
And then… anxiety. I feel it. It’s not just the podcast or the writing. I wonder if I’ll place more exchange students for next year. I wonder if I’ll ever actually help my family in a financial way. I wonder if I’ll survive a week overseas without my family come Spring break. And what about that newsletter I was going to send last week? Or that to-do list I haven’t tackled yet? Or the husband I’ve been taking a little for granted? Or the relatives or friends I haven’t communicated with lately?
And oh shoot, I forgot I have to clean for the ladies’ retreat at my house next week. And write out what I’m going to talk about during my session- My theme is “Joyful in Hope.” Oh my.
And what about the scriptures we read this morning in 1 John and then I quickly forgot? Something about following Jesus and love… Those prayers I say under my breath and then can’t remember the details? Did I actually pray for that person or prayer request? What about the worship songs that I sing throughout the day? I find myself just hoping these spiritual things will set the tone for my entire day but usually finding them as transient thoughts rather than defining moments.
And honestly, I don’t want my spiritual life to be another unmet checklist of to-dos and oh-shoots.
“Do not love the world or anything in the world… The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.” 1 John 2:15a, 17
Tonight, I paused for a moment. Instead of going back upstairs, to hide and type this confession, I embraced the moment with my family.
And you know what? It felt good.
Lord would you teach me your will? Help me to get over myself and my desires. Help me to follow after the things of you. Give me wisdom. Give me clarity. Give me your desires. Make your name and renown the desire of my heart. (Isaiah 26:8)
Because a day focused on me and my frustrations is just exhausting.
And I can only stand this hilarity for so long before the laughter turns back to tears.